anasalwaysthere

anasalwaysthere @ 2005-05-24T20:13:00

2005-05-25T01:13:59Z

life is going the shitter
MY life is in the shitter people, no fucking joke. My mom came home and said we are going to have to sell the house now and move into Ronnie's, only he is uncomfortable with me in this "state" I am in. MEaning my ANA, so fuck if that doesn't work out I guess I stay here and waste away. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

We have no money. NONE AT ALL. Our phone got cut off cuz we are fucking poor. FUCK FUCK FUCK. And stupid, fatass, me had to binge last night (I used laxies of course afterward) and so now we have no food. GOOD, I can lose those 2 pounds I need 2.

I am going to swim like mofo tonight, I don't care if I fucking have a heart attack. I don't care anymore, I am just an inconvenience to everyone. That's all.

FUck everything
Margot

life is going the shitter

2005-05-25T01:12:45Z

MY life is in the shitter people, no fucking joke. My mom came home and said we are going to have to sell the house now and move into Ronnie's, only he is uncomfortable with me in this "state" I am in. MEaning my ANA, so fuck if that doesn't work out I guess I stay here and waste away. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

We have no money. NONE AT ALL. Our phone got cut off cuz we are fucking poor. FUCK FUCK FUCK. And stupid, fatass, me had to binge last night (I used laxies of course afterward) and so now we have no food. GOOD, I can lose those 2 pounds I need 2.

I am going to swim like mofo tonight, I don't care if I fucking have a heart attack. I don't care anymore, I am just an inconvenience to everyone. That's all.

FUck everything
Margot

Can't Sleep

2005-05-23T15:38:11Z

I feel like such a fatass, I had to eat a bowl of cereal before bed because of Hunger Pains, and I vowed to myself not to eat within 3 hours of going to bed.

While I was stuffing my fat face, my mom walked in and goes in and goes, "I don't know what is wrong with me, I am not hungry." She said looking at me. I felt as if me being hungry was a weakness, like I had given in and failed. I said to her, "Well, I have only eaten like 500 calories today and 250 yesterday." And she goes, "That's not good, I can eat that little because my metabolism is slower but you can't."

I have to stop eating at 7 tonight, no matter what, so I can go to bed at 10. I hate eating before bed, I feel so guilty.

Did I tell you I have become Buddhist? Well, not fully, I need to research it more but I am starting to practice certain meditation techniques and beliefs.

I also am starting writing to write a novel, the whole basis of it sucks but I just felt like writing and the thought came to my mind so I did. It's about an anorexic girl who desires eternal happiness and until she finds it sees no point in living. Then one day while walking outside she stumbles upon an entrance to a world where everything you touch brings you instant pleasure, and there is no consequence for your action. SOunds gay as fuck right? When I told my mom that she goes, "That's extremely selfish."

I must be a selfish little bitch. An ugly selfish bitch. I wish I was someone else. Anyone. Maybe my sister, she is beautiful and secure.

Ahh life sucks

Scared to eat after 7

2005-05-23T00:15:52Z

I am frickin trippen dude because I know that I need to eat more calories so my metabolism doesn't slow down, but I am scared to eat after 7. I also want to eat so I don't get up in the night and binge, but once again the eating after 7 thing.

Fuck, it's so confusing that I need a cigarette.

TOday I told my mom I weighed 79 pounds and she was like, "Really, that's good!" EXCUSE ME but does that mean you are denying the fact I have problem, and then she added, "I am glad you are maintaining." Oh so I guess 79 pounds is good for you? How about 77? When will people recognize I need help.

Anywho, I wrote the first chapter of my book today and I have no idea what it is going to be about. I am just going to let my thoughts flow and FUCK if it gets published or not. They can suck my cock its my fucking thoughts.

I am currently exploring Buddhism, and the philosophy basically is happiness is unstable (meaning no one can be happy all of the time, it's always changing.) and that helping others will bring you happiness. Or some shit like that.

Maybe if I had some friends or something I could help others...I will just take a walk right now around my neighborhood and see if I an animal or human is in distress...maybe a bug has lost its way and I can guide it to security.

Today, I had
1 piece gum 5
1/2 cup pistachio pudding 55
1 piece gum 5

Cereal w/ soymilk 200

AND NOW I AM GONNA HAVE A CIGARETTE!!!!!! YUM YUM IN MY FUCKIN LUNG~~

TOday when I was smoking earlier I swear to Buddha the cigarette tasted like a cinnamon roll.
Yummy.
--Margot

Sort of okay

2005-05-22T16:05:46Z

I did SORT OF OKAY yesterday ~by this I mean I didn't binge like a fucking hungry rottweiler. I had a bite of an apple at around 4 o' clock (after swimming for like 20 minutes) Then I had 2/3 of an Ensure around like 8. I wanted this to be it, to be my final meal of the day or whatever. I went to bed at like 10 or 11 and slept for about an hour. Then I woke up with extreme hunger pains, so I went to the kitchen and fix some sleepy time tea. When that didn't work, I had a bowl of cereal with milk and a ricecake, I can deal with that, it wasn't a binge but it was like 12:40 at night and I want to stop eating at 7. Any suggestions on how I prevent hunger in my sleep and still stop eating at 7? Let me know. I think I am going to read up on buddha now, I may become buddhists. I hope my mom calls and sees if I want to go swimming at that stupid jews house. See ya --Margot Pera

Exercise-aholic

2005-05-22T02:01:42Z

I exercised like a mofo today! I swam for about 20 minutes and then I walked with the dogs and my mom for like 20. When I came home, I drank this stacker 2 no calorie energy drink, kinda like red bull and then ran for like 20 minutes. I just finished a walk after dinner (2/3 of Ensure about) I also had 2 slices of an apple earlier today, so I am guessing my calorie is around 250 or 300. I am a bit dissapointed but I need to keep my metabolism up so I don't gain weight or binge or something. I wasn't going to have the Ensure but tobycherokee (I think that was username) inspired me and told me you won't lose weight not eating. It's great to know someone cares and is reading this. Today I posted this on the somethingfishy.org website. It's weird, part of me wants recovery, but the majority of me is in the disease, so I cater to both sides by posting here and other pro-ana and I cater to my recovery side by posting at somethingfishy.org

Here is what I wrote:
know exactly what you mean about wanting to be loved, I have wanted that for so long. You see the thing with me is that when I was younger, my parents got divorced when I was at a very young age (I was **** my sister was ****), and they did everything you are not supposed to do, like put us in the middle. I was living with my mom up until I was ****, and then she was put into an insane asylum for bipolar disorder/maniac depression. From the time I was **** and up until ******** (now) I lived with my dad.

Living with my dad was extremely difficult, he was never there and when he was he locked himself in his room, away from us. His loves are money, women, and sex. He is a social climber, so everything we did reflected on him. We had to go to the best schools, have the nicest clothes, go to church, be members of a club. But he somehow had this way of making us feel guilty about all of these things, like we weren't worthy of it and we had done nothing to earn it, so we should be eternally in his debt and do things for him like clean his house, leave him alone at night, not bug him about going to the eye doctor or dentist or something like that. Now, he is refusing to pay for treatment for me for anorexia, he is trying to bribe me with gifts like a new dog, a vacation to Destin, etc. He says he doesn't have the money, but he does he just doesn't want to pay because it mean he would have to restrict his extravagant lifestyle a little and also people would know that his daughter has a mental illness and that would shame him for life.

Maybe the reason I feel guilty after I eat is because my dad made me feel guilty about everything, even a dentist appointment. He also made me feel like I was never good enough, my grades could be better, my swimming could improve, I could be thinner. I just think I need to stay away from him, he is my father I know but he really is harmful to me. The only thing is, he is has money to send me to college and stuff and my mom has nothing. His emotional/physical abuse has been going on for years. What should I do about my relationship with my father? I am so
confused!!!

I think it was a breakthrough, it felt like for me. My cat is so cute, he is pawing at me and rubbing his little body against me. He relaxes me so. Ahhh..what else is there to say.....I am so lonely right now, I really want to make friends, but I do not know how I would do that, school is over and I can't join a summer camp or anything because it cost money. I would like to get a job but my mom says to wait until after this court date and see if I get treatment. I feel so bad e-mailing everyone and whining about my situation, I feel so selfish. I really don't deserve a friend like Sophie, she is so giving and loving and pretty, I just love her to death!!! I wish I was her!!!

I also have never a male companion who was interested in me, and I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what it feels like to be beautiful, to have people admire you and envy you and want to be with you. I probably don't have friends because I am selfish and ugly and who wants to be around that.

Life sucks.
Blah
Margot

anasalwaysthere @ 2005-05-21T12:43:00

2005-05-21T17:44:52Z

I haven't updated in awhile. Not that people read my boring posts about my depressing and monotonous life, but what the fuck I feel like posting and I will. School ended this week, that's why I wasn't on at all, I was studying for exams like the studious little bitch that I am. When did get on, I had all of these e-mails from different people. It was really nice to hear from lots of people that care about me. It made me feel less worthless. Although I still am a lone and isolated and I absolutely hate it. I saw my camp counselor this week, it was so awesome to see her and talk to her, I miss her a lot and I am sort of saddened I won't be going to camp but sort of relieved because if I went to camp I would gain weight. I have been bingeing like a fucking pig, last night I had all of this cereal and rice cakes and a twix bar, i took some laxies afterward and then I weight myself this morning and now I am 80.4 or 81, which means I have stayed the same and not gained (thank god) but my goal is to lose like 2 pounds by next week. I am going to weigh again to make sure this is accurate, ok 80.2. I think I am going to restrict myself to 500 calories a day, should I start with this and eventually eat less or should I start with something less and and build up to this as a maximum? Which is a better way to lose weight? I heard that if you eat too little your metabolism will slow down and you will gain weight. I am going to start eating earlier in the day like 3ish. I am going to have (1/2) cup of veggies which is like 50 calories and then at 5:00 I am going to have cereal with milk (200) calories and then at 7:00 I am going to have 1/2 of an apples ands grapes which is about 70 calories and then later if I get hungry I am going to have a sherbert push pop which is about 80 calories. That totals exactly 400 but I shouldn't eat after 7 so I am not sure about the push pop. I will try not to have it which will make my total calories around 320. If I binge tonight I am going a fast for a week, first day nothing, second day an Ensure, third day nothing, fourth day an Ensure, fifth day nothing...You see my point..let's see if I can do it!! The hearing is next week and if they put me back to live with my dad I will run away, I do not know where to but I have to find somewhere. Probably my friend Sophie's house. She is the only person I trust. Help me not to binge, I am going to leave the comp on tonight if I am home, but if I am at my mom's boyfriends I definetely won't binge plus I will go swimming so I will burn off calories. If I am online, my aim is jellybeanfeine16 so IM and tell me not to binge.

lost control

2005-05-16T02:40:38Z

gross i am so gross i just ate a whole fucking box of cookies and now I am going to ruin myself. I lost control! The one thing I had over hunger! I LOST IT!! Tomorrow, its 500 calories and thats it! And water, water, and if I get hungry again Green Tea. The thing that sucks is, ana is a way to disconnect from emotions and the pain life causes me, but when I eat lately, all of these emotions are coming back and I binge!! Like a fatass! Eww Eww!! I hate it! Maybe its this goddamn generic paxil making me so hungry? Its called like prexitin or something! Anyway tomorrow I am going to do a lot better. Tonight I took 5 laxatives and I hope that ridded of me of those evil calories swimming around inside me. Fuck I must go finish schoolwork then take my piggish self on a walk.

I lost control and I hate myself!

Fuck you you nasty pig.

fuck you fuck you.

Back to Ana

2005-05-14T17:01:21Z

I can't help myself, I have to give in to Ana again. Everything in my life is so topsy turvy and always changing, and she is always consistent. I have a feeling I won't get into inpatient treatment anyway, so I am going back to Ana. I wasn't technically "in-recovery", just for like a week and the idea of going back to 82 pounds scares me, that assures everyone I am "alright" and they will neglect me more.

Ahh so here it goes
Height: 5'3.5"
Current Weight: 81
All-time low: 77
all-time high: 127
been ana for: 1.5 years
short term goal: 79
long term goal: 77 (I think they threatened a feeding tube at anything below this, no way will they get that, so this is the lowest)

There is no way to free myself from thinking/obsessing about food. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Think thin, think stickly, think ana. That's forever me.
--Margot